I do so strive and try not to let this and that get on top of me. To keep a smile somewhere about my person and a little gladness and gratitude to see me through. But sometimes it’s hard.
Between dissociation and trauma troubles and intellectual and psychological fragmentation and blah blah blah….
For instance, waking up to find that I have inflicted self harm while in a dissociative state, is burdensome to endure and sometimes….
Well, it’s a heart breaker for all concerned, that’s for sure. Waking up to discover such unpleasant surprises is a painful experience, far beyond the discomfort of the injuries inflicted. And for someone else to discover you first makes it so very much worse.
To deal with that ‘what the fuck’ and ‘I can’t live like this anymore’ desperation and agony reflected in the eyes of a loved one is bitter indeed.
And the cleaning up and making right which must be done after is no treat either. That’s for sure.
But what’s done is done and there’s constructive action to be taken. I aint no victim and I aint broken yet. When you get to that place the only thing to do is a forensic examination. To discover how you got to there. To understand the workings of it and find ways not to go back to that place again.
Dwelling in the distress and pain of it serves no good purpose and certainly doesn’t help. Oh, for sure there’s healthy sorrow to be experienced, but it doesn’t do to wallow. And besides, I have a new way about me these days. A new clarion call to herald my arrival at a better tomorrow.
I mean to speak only life.
So the real message here is. Although this is tough as nails sometimes, I’m grateful for your company as I make my way through. I have enjoyed so much love and support on this platform, it brings a tear to my eye to think on it. And I am grateful.
And I do have a destination in mind, I’m not wandering aimless in the wilderness. It’s a happy place of healing and life where all the torments of my bitter yesterdays are left far behind.
And I’ll find it. I’ll get there. Just you see if I don’t.
Oh but one more thing before I go. I like to render my experiences as fiction. I find this practice helps me. I like to make something worthwhile and creative as a kind of processing tool. I wrote a thingy this morning about what I have described. Why not click here and give it a read and tell me what you think. I promise it won’t bite.
Thank you and good night.
P.S. Although I have tried to keep this message hopeful, don’t be surprised if in my next post I’m spitting furious anger. I aint perfect. And I aint no angel nor goddess like creature either. That’s for damn sure. And that’s a good thing, by my reckoning.