Now being intersexual, or a circus freak sideshow creep gender weirdo as I prefer to say and intend to keep saying cause fuck it it’s mine I can call it anything I like, can present difficulties.
I am more fortunate than most in that what few living relatives I have, I am estranged from and have been for a hell of a long time. This offers me tremendous opportunity to be alone in the world and limit the number of people around me. Kinda lonely, right? Hell no!
There’s a good amount of comfort and relief to be had, in being left the fuck alone. Especially if your different in a way which can tend to leave you feeling on the outside looking in.
But don’t mistake this situation for sad and isolated. It can be a position of power too. Cause for as lonely as I feel sometimes, it is something of a privilege to pick and choose who I let in.
Let me break it down.
The hunky dory folks
Now there are some people who are just hunky dory with it. They give no fucks and just get it because it aint all that hard to get. Five minutes on Wikipedia is all it takes to understand what’s what.
These folks seem to be kinda happy about it, like knowing someone who’s comparatively rare is a good thing. And the best of these folks have next to nothing to say on the matter. They just file the fact away with all the other irrelevant facts like hair and eye colour and whatnot.
They don’t think of me as he or she, they just think of me as me and that’s that.
And the very best of them don’t even seem to think to notice anything odd whatsoever. Generally this seems to be mainly same sex attracted women. I don’t know why.
Maybe it’s because they’ve had to keep their heads screwed on more than most. Or maybe it’s because they have enough real shit to deal with, without making an issue out of something which aint. I dunno.
But I do appreciates it. It’s a wonderful thing to just be another human being as unremarkably remarkable as everyone else.
That’s nice. I like that.
The uncomfortable looky loo’s
Some folks seem to have difficulty understanding or accepting the situation. They aint necessarily hostile, but they just don’t understand. They know there’s women and they know there’s men and they’re pretty sure that’s all there is.
These folks tend to make me uncomfortable, cause they keep staring an looking all puzzled and befuddled. You can see the workings of their brains ticking over while they figure it the fuck out.
These folks don’t make the situation terribly hard, but they don’t make it especially easy either. This staring while I figure it out frame of mind is very common, and owning that carnival creep status for myself comes in handy indeed when it comes to enduring these puzzled motherscratchers.
The ‘you’re doing this to me on purpose’ types
I have dropped the hot potato of trying to fit in and conform with both hands. I never could get it right and it was not doing anyone any favors. Least of all my own self. The lie of passing just ended up making me feel sick, as lying your tits off tends to do.
The upshot is, I do not present myself after a fashion which is entirely feminine or masculine. I am who I am and I present myself as such. This seems to cause people issues.
Now I may not have any blood kin, but I do have a family in law. And I have tried to be gentle and mindful with them over the past few years, as I get myself right. And generally they have been pretty good about it.
However, as I hide myself away less and less, my mother in law gets increasingly confused and bothered about the whole thing. And she does not like it.
Her attitude seems to be that by my ‘behavior’ I am trying to challenge her. Like I’m daring her to come at me in some fashion I plain and simple do not comprehend. She has said as much to my partner.
This attitude mystifies the ever living fuck out of me.
Look at it from my point of view. Intersex people are a fact of life. There’s as many of us out there as there are red heads. People count these things.
Now imagine you’re a redhead, which I am. And you have to go around holding the hand of every puzzled bitch who’s having difficulty understanding that redheads are a thing. You have to be endlessly patient while they stare and gawp at your redheadedness and figure it the fuck out.
Now imagine some folks are of the opinion, that you going about all redheaded is a willful thing. Like you’re somehow challenging them or daring them to come at you.
What the fuck do you do with that?
Hell if I know, but I’m figuring it out. One thing I do know is that I aint wearing a wig no more, so sensitive folks don’t get upset by my contrarian redheadedness. And that’s that.
The ‘I’ll kick your teeth in for you, you fucking f****t!’ types.
Hell with those bitches. I aint speaking to their experience. They aint welcome here.
There’s not really a point to all this. I’m just talking things through with myself. I’m posting it here just in case someone else out there is going through similar things and has something to say about it in the comments.
Or maybe I just want to let them know they’re not alone. Or maybe I want them to let me know that I am not alone in all this.
Or hell, maybe I’m just blowin’ off steam out loud.
It doesn’t really matter. I’m just some random basic bitch all up here in the interwebs. The visual cues which seem to so discombobulate people in the real world, aint relevant here.
I can just disappear in the crowd and go largely unnoticed. And that, after all is for me the holy grail.
Except….I just made a whole thing of it by writing this post….
So maybe I want something else….hmm….maybe I’m just pissed off cause this wouldn’t even be a thing if people didn’t make it a thing. And now it’s a whole thing.
Fuck it. Now I’m just confused.
Anyway. Thanks for reading.