Now being intersexual, or a circus freak sideshow creep gender weirdo as I prefer to say and intend to keep saying cause fuck it it’s mine I can call it anything I like, can present difficulties.
I am more fortunate than most in that what few living relatives I have, I am estranged from and have been for a hell of a long time. This offers me tremendous opportunity to be alone in the world and limit the number of people around me. Kinda lonely, right? Hell no!
There’s a good amount of comfort and relief to be had, in being left the fuck alone. Especially if your different in a way which can tend to leave you feeling on the outside looking in.
But don’t mistake this situation for sad and isolated. It can be a position of power too. Cause for as lonely as I feel sometimes, it is something of a privilege to pick and choose who I let in.
Let me break it down.
The hunky dory folks
Now there are some people who are just hunky dory with it. They give no fucks and just get it because it aint all that hard to get. Five minutes on Wikipedia is all it takes to understand what’s what.
These folks seem to be kinda happy about it, like knowing someone who’s comparatively rare is a good thing. And the best of these folks have next to nothing to say on the matter. They just file the fact away with all the other irrelevant facts like hair and eye colour and whatnot.
They don’t think of me as he or she, they just think of me as me and that’s that.
And the very best of them don’t even seem to think to notice anything odd whatsoever. Generally this seems to be mainly same sex attracted women. I don’t know why.
Maybe it’s because they’ve had to keep their heads screwed on more than most. Or maybe it’s because they have enough real shit to deal with, without making an issue out of something which aint. I dunno.
But I do appreciates it. It’s a wonderful thing to just be another human being as unremarkably remarkable as everyone else.
That’s nice. I like that.
The uncomfortable looky loo’s
Some folks seem to have difficulty understanding or accepting the situation. They aint necessarily hostile, but they just don’t understand. They know there’s women and they know there’s men and they’re pretty sure that’s all there is.
These folks tend to make me uncomfortable, cause they keep staring an looking all puzzled and befuddled. You can see the workings of their brains ticking over while they figure it the fuck out.
These folks don’t make the situation terribly hard, but they don’t make it especially easy either. This staring while I figure it out frame of mind is very common, and owning that carnival creep status for myself comes in handy indeed when it comes to enduring these puzzled motherscratchers.
The ‘you’re doing this to me on purpose’ types
I have dropped the hot potato of trying to fit in and conform with both hands. I never could get it right and it was not doing anyone any favors. Least of all my own self. The lie of passing just ended up making me feel sick, as lying your tits off tends to do.
The upshot is, I do not present myself after a fashion which is entirely feminine or masculine. I am who I am and I present myself as such. This seems to cause people issues.
Now I may not have any blood kin, but I do have a family in law. And I have tried to be gentle and mindful with them over the past few years, as I get myself right. And generally they have been pretty good about it.
However, as I hide myself away less and less, my mother in law gets increasingly confused and bothered about the whole thing. And she does not like it.
Her attitude seems to be that by my ‘behavior’ I am trying to challenge her. Like I’m daring her to come at me in some fashion I plain and simple do not comprehend. She has said as much to my partner.
This attitude mystifies the ever living fuck out of me.
Look at it from my point of view. Intersex people are a fact of life. There’s as many of us out there as there are red heads. People count these things.
Now imagine you’re a redhead, which I am. And you have to go around holding the hand of every puzzled bitch who’s having difficulty understanding that redheads are a thing. You have to be endlessly patient while they stare and gawp at your redheadedness and figure it the fuck out.
Now imagine some folks are of the opinion, that you going about all redheaded is a willful thing. Like you’re somehow challenging them or daring them to come at you.
What the fuck do you do with that?
Hell if I know, but I’m figuring it out. One thing I do know is that I aint wearing a wig no more, so sensitive folks don’t get upset by my contrarian redheadedness. And that’s that.
The ‘I’ll kick your teeth in for you, you fucking f****t!’ types.
Hell with those bitches. I aint speaking to their experience. They aint welcome here.
Anyway….
There’s not really a point to all this. I’m just talking things through with myself. I’m posting it here just in case someone else out there is going through similar things and has something to say about it in the comments.
Or maybe I just want to let them know they’re not alone. Or maybe I want them to let me know that I am not alone in all this.
Or hell, maybe I’m just blowin’ off steam out loud.
It doesn’t really matter. I’m just some random basic bitch all up here in the interwebs. The visual cues which seem to so discombobulate people in the real world, aint relevant here.
I can just disappear in the crowd and go largely unnoticed. And that, after all is for me the holy grail.
Except….I just made a whole thing of it by writing this post….
So maybe I want something else….hmm….maybe I’m just pissed off cause this wouldn’t even be a thing if people didn’t make it a thing. And now it’s a whole thing.
Fuck it. Now I’m just confused.
Anyway. Thanks for reading.
Love
Whippoorwill XO
lol & not lol …
i have literally just logged outta FB cos i was having a tantrum on this ‘subject matter’, and deciding what keyboard warfare to bring on this feminist group who are attempting to ‘re write the law’ re birth cert changes blah blah blah …
i think my angst with the ‘issue’ is cos for me, it aint an issue … but its bringing the bigots out of the woodwork again! i’ve kicked and screamed for years (as a biological women) to not be ‘genderised’ … i refuse to give a title or state my ‘sex’ on any forms or in person etc etc. because why? its no-one elses business but mine and it doesn’t change how i pee or who i chose to have sex with or how i give birth. arghh …
the ‘transgender issue’ has become an ‘issue’ because twats have nothing better to do than to make someone elses life a living hell for a while … it pisses me no end!
so theres my rant lol … thanks for yours!! xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know, right? It’s all just so mystifying to me…..and all so fucking alienating and pointless and unnecessary….I mean, why? Just….why?
Anyway. Thanks Me! I was feeling backed up against a wall and it’s really, really encouraging to feel someone there beside me.
Shame about the wall tho. ❤ ❤ ❤
XOX
LikeLiked by 1 person
fucken ay … working on busting that wall down though!!
xx oo xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wait! Let me go get my good sledge hammer. The one for special occasions. Let’s do this thing in style. 🙂
XOXXO
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL … yes please, i’ll bring the crow bar (& i have spares!)
& this morning i couldn’t resist commenting on the FB ad the i was avoiding yesterday … so yeah, now they can peruse an ‘alternative’ opinion 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good on you for speaking up, Me. I hope you gave em what for. 🙂 ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
well i got blocked … so … yep
#storyofmylife lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
I always kinda felt like being blocked fro FB was like being spurned by a rabid syphilitic weasel.
LikeLiked by 1 person
oooo, thats a deadly accurate description! i like 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re a red head? Omg… I…. Um…. I… I always wished … I…. had… red hair…. Um… I… you wrote all of that and… And… Um… I can’t get past the red hair…. omg… Um… I.. hmm….
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, more strawberry blonde than red. Makes it kinda hard to pull off the whole bat bitch goth thing, but I make do.
I wear it long and wild so I look like some kinda feral witch. Lol. ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
You are a badass. This just reinforces it to me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Mike!
LikeLiked by 1 person
At this point I have rewired my brain to consider staring a compliment. It helps to be a performer; they stare and you get paid. I’ve never felt strongly attached to any gender, but I often wonder why everyone else seems to. The world is more beautiful and diverse with more atypicality’s and less conformity. Getting stared at, to me, is a kind of power. Isolation is a kind of power. Uniqueness is a kind of power
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey!!! You did a comment on my writing thingy! I am so excited! I’m bouncing up and down on the couch and my cat’s are freaking out like they don’t know if I’ve gone completely batshit crazy again or if it’s playtime or wtf!!!
Oh!!! Holy shitballs! I get it now. The cat’s are staring at me like I’m a freak. I’m performing for them. They are my audience. I am gaining power from my cats!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes my cats/extraterrestrial beacons are also reacting. Confession—I’m really bad at all these different websites (wtf is twitter even) and I have been slow to figure things out. I should comment more… I’m not even old so I have no excuse, I’ve just been a hermit
LikeLike
I’m kinda like that too. Twitter is just too much too fast. It does terrible things to my mind, you know. Trauma brain troubles n stuff. And face book is just too ugly. Ugh! That’s why I like it here. I can take it slow n easy and make things pretty like I like.
But you say as little or as much as you want, Becky. I’m just grateful I got to meet you. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve become obsessed with WordPress, mostly because there is this dope genderqueer/intersex Wiccan poet who I identify with more than my own reflection at times. Are you hacking my webcam/brain? Some of your posts make me wonder…
LikeLike
You are making me melt, Becky with the good hair. *blush* ❤ ❤ ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great post, a thoughtful and interesting reflection – thanks for sharing your experience! 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Jan! So sweet of you to say so! 🙂 ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
People who have suffered, for “being different” often have an easier time with still further differences. I leave people alone, at the least, or respectfully engage them in conversation. Playing the Looky Lou game is something kids do, when they’re five.
LikeLiked by 1 person