So….profound dissociative shifts are simply a prominent part of my life at the moment. I wish they were not but they are and that’s that. I try my best not to let this situation dominate my life and dictate the circumstances of my reality. I try to maintain ownership of myself.
But it can be difficult and sometimes embarrassing when I can’t. And potentially damaging as well.
Yesterday two discrete personas were emerging and receding in much the same way waves emerge and recede on the shore. While I was still present but very much in the background. And while I was in this frame of mind a friend and fellow blogger asked me a perfectly reasonable question about which aspect of my psychology they were communicating with.
Unfortunately the person who read their question didn’t understand what was being asked at all. This dissociated aspect of my psychology is called whisper. She is essentially a child with very limited comprehension.
She tends to be quite playful and lighthearted in character, but she is also easily scared and confused. She is the custodian of memories I find it impossible to be alive with. She is strong in her own particular way, but terrible things happened to her. To the child I was. To the child she is.
When she read the question she got very befuddled and panicked. So much so that my psychology collapsed in response and I fractured into pieces. I became no one and everyone all at the same time, if that makes any kind of sense.
The question as posed was not problematic or inappropriate in the least. And the person who posed it is in absolutely no conceivable way responsible for what happened. It is not their fault that I am batshit crazy. And I hope they hear that loud and clear.
Usually my dissociative ebbs and tides are quite moderate. There is a certain amount of blending or perhaps shading between frames of mind. And ‘I’ am usually present enough to moderate communications and keep thing making sense.
But yesterdays fracturing episode happen abruptly and without warning. And whisper created several posts while ‘I’ was almost entirely absent, my psychology in a state of disarray.
The initial post was a rather confused and frightened plea for help. A little embarrassing now but nothing to be concerned about, I don’t think. The second post was a rather strange form of apology which I found a little disturbing in character. But nothing catastrophic. Just….weird.
It was a few hours before I began to coalesce and stabilize again. And out of a sense of powerlessness and embarrassment I took those posts down. I felt guilty that I had drawn attention to myself in this fashion and very upset that I had caused confusion. I hope I have not damaged or effected that friendship I referred to earlier.
I also hope I have not unduly upset anyone with my strangeness. But really, I have little control over these things.
Six hours later I, whoever that may be; sometimes I really don’t know anymore, am prominent once again. Though certainly not alone.
If I have hurt or upset anyone as a result of this episode, I apologize.
But I also wish to thank those wonderful, amazing people who left kind comments of encouragement, love and support. I am moved to tears by the sheer beauty of your of your response to my crisis.
I initially took those two posts down, as mentioned earlier. But I have since restored them. As running away from this or trying to bury it or pretend it isn’t happening will not help me. But more than this it felt like a betrayal of the love I was offered. So I decided to swallow my tattered pride and honor that love instead of denying it.
It is over now and it’s now half past two in the morning, so I should go to bed. I am exhausted.
Thank you for your patience, your kindness and your affection. These things are immeasurably precious to me.
Links to the restored material are here. Because for whatever reason, I feel they should be.