I’m wondering if I should even be doing this at all, blurting out all this batshit crazy gibberish. I have doubts. Second thoughts. I thought I saw something or heard something. It was so beautiful. So wonderful. I imagined it was real.

I knew it couldn’t be. Not for me.

But I let myself believe.

And as soon as I did it vanished in a puff of smoke.

I wonder if I’m just the village idiot. Touched. Away with the faeries. Doolally tap. Thinking I’m in a world of magical wonders but in reality just rolling around in the mud muttering nonsense nobody can understand.

Is that what I am? The fool? The mad cat lady? Just a cliche of a joke?

I just don’t know.

How disconnected am I? Is it all just cruel tricks of an injured mind? Just trauma fever dreams?

I looked back over my last few posts. Who the hell am I?

Who?

I don’t know how much more of this I can take. So fractured. So broken up in pieces. It hurts so much. I feel like I’m drowning. Trying to learn how to breathe underwater, but it just isn’t working.

I feel so desperate. So lost.

My instinct is to just keep moving towards the light. But what the hell do you do when the light you thought was real wasn’t even there at all. That you were striving in the wrong direction entirely.

I thought I saw hands reaching out to me. I thought it was safe to swim into those hands. Were they ever there at all? Was it just a dream?

Is it all just phantoms and shadows? What can I trust?

If I close everything else out, I can feel tremendous love and horrendous pain in my heart. I feel like I can trust those things. They are constant and unchanging. I know they’re real.

Maybe if I just hang onto those things without trying to direct them. Without trying to heal that pain or connect that love with anyone. Maybe I can find some stability.

I wanted so much for that wonderful dream to be real. For it to be true. But I don’t think it ever was.

I think I was just imagining I was in a world of magical wonders. Of real love and true hope. While in reality I was just rolling around in the mud muttering nonsense nobody can understand.

The village idiot. Touched by the fool. Away with the faeries. Doolally tap.

Nothing more.

 

Lost Girl Me

 

Maybe I should shut this site down. Stop making such a spectacle of a fool of myself. I just don’t know. Anything at all.

I saw a film called Horsehead. It was perfect. It felt like someone was telling my story. That was nice. I liked that.