Will you take me far and far away to your magical cabin in the woods? Will you transport me to your exile so we can live in exile free together? Lets go wandering elsewhere you and me once more. I want to feel your hand in mine in that faraway somewhere else place.
Cuddle me and soothe me and don’t be scared or hurt, when I curl up into a tight kitten ball of horrors relived over and over. Hold me all night long in your heart. Be brave for me and don’t let the night terrors take your peace from you too.
Would you dance with me? Would you sing a pretty song for me? Would you kiss me? And please? Would you make love with me? I’d like that very much too.
I’d love more than anything I can think of to see your smile. To hear you laugh. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to. If you need to cry and scream, I’ll share that with you too.
If you want me to. If you truly do.
And if the sun rises on a new day and we discover that it wasn’t all just some dream, pancakes with maple syrup and black coffee would be nice. I might not eat the pancakes, but the smell is just so gorgeous.
Just saying is all.
I swear. I’ll do the same for you too. I’ll make pancakes and coffee sometimes too.
I’ll try not to be frighted when you’re angry about things I didn’t do. And I promise I won’t run away or deny when you’re angry about the things I did do.
And I did do. I do sometimes. I’m not an angel or a birthday present or a joyous dream come true. And I’m not the monster or the demon or the unkind curse I sometimes think I am either.
I promise to remember that too.
I’m just extraordinarily ordinary. Sometimes confounding and frustrating too. Actually quite often is the truth.
I’ll remember that it’s not easy for you either. I’ll remember that I’m not usually usual. I’ll remember that it’s hurtful and hard for you when I go far and far away. Silent. Distant. Removed away from you to goodness knows where.
I promise to be ever such a good kitten for you. I promise to be as good as my wicked little broken heart will let me be.
Let me love you like I love you and I promise, I’ll let you love me like you love me too.
Meet me at Enduring Silence Falls. I’ll wait for you there.
P.S. It’s day four since I lost my voice. This is starting to get a little scary and embarrassing. Humiliating.
Actually. Kind of terrifying. All I have to do is open my mouth and speak, but I can’t. I just can’t. And I don’t understand why. It’s hard not to feel powerless. Weak. Like a broken ragdoll toy thing. Ridiculous in the worst way.
I want to just stay calm and ride it out. Just let it be and be fine. Just hang on tight.
But I can’t help but wonder. What else could happen? People can go catatonic. They can’t help that either.
I’m sorry. (not sorry)
I. Am. Scared.