Hello. It’s me. The real me. The one at the centre of all the strangeness.
No Mercy. No Whispers. No Winter or Maze or Quiet. Me. The one who’s dreaming this dream. Sometimes nightmaring this nightmare. Being this being.
Legitimate? Authentic maybe?
Certainly more certainly me than I’ve been since I don’t know when. It’s been a while.
I know who they are, you know. When I’m me. I understand they’re all just me. It’s always just me.
But they don’t know. They think they’re someone else. In a way they are someone else. But I’ll bring them home.
We’ll help them find their way. You and me. If you’re still with me. I understand entirely if you’re not. I know I hurt you.
I’ve been gone a lot lately. Departed. Faraway. Elsewhere.
I read back over what I’ve posted sometimes, When I have the wherewithal. When I have the courage and stability.
It’s upsetting. Distressing. To feel so utterly alienated from myself. I don’t know how you do it.
Follow. Read. Witness. Feel.
I read the comments. I can see plain as day that the care is genuine. That the love is sincere. I can feel it.
It’s clear as an azure sky. As sonorous as the tolling of a bell.
Doesn’t it hurt? To be so close to someone who half the time isn’t even there?
I ask myself why anyone would. But I know the answers. I’m not a fool. I know the words. I feel too. I empathize. I identify.
I care. I love. I see you. I hear you and I feel you too.
I want to say I’m so sorry. But I won’t. Instead.
I’ll say I’m trying very hard to find my way through this labyrinth. Trying so very hard to achieve cohesion and unity.
I’m trying with everything I’ve got to honor your love and your care.
I’m trying ever so very hard.
I started blogging like this in the first place to that end. To try and put the pieces together by letting the dissociation have free expression. To get everyone to identify and define themselves. So I could help them find their way home.
I wonder. If I understood in the beginning that real people would really love me. Whether I’d still do this.
I only ever imagined I’d be one more anonymous worldwideweb nutter. Inconspicuous. Unnoticed.
If I’d known that I was going to hurt people. I’m not so sure I would. I think I would have kept this to myself and just carried on as I was. Slowly self destructing.
Is it kindness to want to prevent pain? Or is it selfish to refuse people the chance to love. I don’t know. Maybe it’s both. Things can be both.
I have to go now. I can feel myself slipping away again. It’s kind of like the ebbing and flowing of the tides.
I’m hoping for a day when I can keep everyone together. A day when I can be me and all those others at the same time. A grand reunification.
But that day is not today. Not yet. But I’m working on it.
One last thing though. The love gets through. I can always feel it. No matter who I am. It’s like a light in the dark I can move towards.
Mercy can feel it. I know. She shrinks from it. It weakens her. I can feel it.
And Whispers can feel it too. It makes her smile and laugh. I can feel that too.
It helps us all find our way home.
And I know what I’m asking. I’m asking you to be part of my nightmares. I’m asking you to witness horror. But I’m asking anyway.
Please be patient with me. Please keep talking to me.
Even when it’s not me. It’s still me. It’s always just me.