1. There are so many good things it boggles the mind.
  2. There are so many bad things it boggles the mind.
  3. Why are there so many horrible movies? Why are the good movies so few and hard to find?
  4. Although.
  5. Ten movies I like.
  • Amelie
  • Horsehead
  • Hereditary
  • Delicacy
  • The Brand New Testament
  • The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec
  • The Cave of the Yellow Dog
  • Micmacs
  • Buffet Froid
  • Arsenic and Old Lace
  1. There are lots more. Those are just the ones which popped into my head.
  2. Did I just make a list? Is this what this is? A list post?
  3. Oh my goodness. What kind of a monster have I become.
  4. That wasn’t even my top ten. I’m not even a focused monster with coherent intent.
  5. Maybe I should do a music thingy. My favorite composer is Thomas Adès. My favorite band of all time is The Breeders. My favorite band at the moment is Ghost. (In America Ghost B.C.)

 

  1. No. We’re not doing that. I was just thinking of things to be grateful for and I wanted to think of things more interesting than instant hot water and split system air conditioning.
  2. It’s hot as hell in Australia.
  3. What am I even doing here?
  4. I’m a pasty white freckly ginger bitch.
  5. I don’t belong here. This land is stolen land.

 

Wait! Don’t run away. Please. Can I start over? I’m avoiding talking about what I need to talk about. It’s just….I don’t want to be a misery guts. I want to be happy and silly and delightfully nonsensical. Not quirky though. Please god. Not quirky.

I don’t understand what’s happening. I’ve lost my voice. It’s been gone for eleven days now. My night terrors have gotten worse. Worse than ever before. The pain won’t stop. The tears won’t stop. The heartache will not stop.

I go away. I don’t know where I go.

I hurt people. I hurt their hearts. Being near me, close to me. It’s trying. It’s not easy. I don’t mean to be such a puzzle cunt. I don’t want to be such a puzzle cunt. Why do I have to be such a puzzle cunt?

Oh god. No. Not the poor me’s.

No!

This is painful and scary. Is this healing? Is this growth? I this part of some process? Or is this a decline? A descent. The spiral.

It’s the hurting peoples hearts I find unbearably excruciating. It makes me feel toxic and poisonous and contagious and they love me anyway. They love me in spite of it. The me behind the injury. The me behind the….things….

I can’t find a way to change my default settings. I’ve tried very hard. I’ve tried not trying so hard. I’ve tried everything and anything and I’ve even tried nothing.

My default settings are. Is it over yet? I just want this to be over. Can it all be over soon please? It’s exhausting. Striving. Day in day out. It gets on top of me from the moment I wake up.

Does it damage your brain? If people beat you too much and too hard. Does it break your mind as well as your bones? If they….do things to you too much?

Why can’t I say that word. Will things get better if I learn to say that word? Other people can hashtag me too it, like it’s nothing. Why can’t I even say it?

Good things! Let’s have some good things.

I left the house the day before yesterday and yesterday too. Hooray!

I waited in the super cool hairdressers while my partner got a super cool hair cut. Buzzy buzz buzz butchy butch. Oh my goodness. Melt! So super cool. So beautiful. So sexy.

There was quesadillas afterwards. It was wonderful.

Seriously though. Why don’t they lock child molesters up for life with no parole at all? Don’t they get it? It’s murder. The longest slowest method of murder.

Why do they get mercy. We don’t.

Oh! It’s raining!

That makes me so happy. I adore summer rain.

 

Me

 

P.S. Is it just me or are my posts way too long. And way too egocentric. No. Wait. I know the answer.

Merde.

And I’m pretentious too. And I used the c word. Three times.